Dear first time moms – baby’s can be tiring ay? But they won’t babies for long 🙂

 You can soon look forward to them becoming more independent … then you can ‘relax’ a little. NOT! You’ve been lied to. There is NO relaxing. Let’s catapult you 14yrs hence! Here’s what you have to look forward to:

School runs

The kids have alarm clocks because YOU’RE very organized. BUT the kids ignore them. SO …

You gently say

“good morning sweathearts, time to get upppppppppp” in a sing-song sorta voice.

They reply

“urggggggggggghhhhhh you woke me up!!!”
“I don’t wanna get up … urggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh”

You assume all is well, they hear you, they responded, now you can go get yourself ready, maybe have a nice cup of tea.

WRONG!

They aren’t getting up, they’ve gone right back to sleep.

5 mins roll by, all is quiet, there’s no movement.

“Darlings, are you getting up?”

Silence

“Why aren’t you getting up?”

Silence

“Are you out of bed yet?”

Silence

15 mins of this

“GET THE F*CK UP!!!”

They respond

“Why are you shouting, you’re so mean, my earsssssss”

Well at least NOW they’re getting up. Right! 🙂

WRONG!!

They are now awake … first thing to do when awake is check their phones. And time quickly moves on.

You’re downstairs lovingly making breakfast, relived they’re at least in motion. Unaware they’re naked, ‘liking’ cat videos on Facebook and moaning about what a bitch parent you are to their mates who are ALL doing the same thing.

 

You

“Breakfast my lovelies”

Them

” I don’t want F*ckin breakfast”

You

“What did you just say!!!???”

Them

“Notin’ you need a hearing aid”. them

You

“Come down here and eat your breakfast, its getting late”

Them

“Urggggggggggggggh”

 “I feel sick, don’t want to go to school”

I won’t elaborate on this exchange, just add an extra 10mins for this DAILY conversation you will have for at least TWELVE Years.

Breakfast … assume over with.

You

“Have you had a wash?”

Sniff them, they shrug you off

Them

“urrermmmbblehh urrghhhmremaF “

Words you can’t understand, lots of them, you assume the best. It’s too late now … only 5 mins left to go!!

You’ve had your eye on the clock all this time. You’re addicted to clock watching, you’re obsessed. You HAVE to leave the house a ‘x’ to get them to school for ‘z’ o’clock”. No room for delay.

Cleverly you have allowed 5 mins. wiggle room. Stupidly, its NEVER enough.

You

“Time to go kiddies, are you ready?”

Them

“I’m ready, I was ready ages ago, stop nagging!”

You grab car keys, are ready to get in car .. they roll down the stairs … bare footed, hair knotted, tie loose, bag forgotten.

You

“Where are you’re socks and shoes, it’s time to go, go put them on NOW, we have to go NOW”

Them

Oh..and I need a Poo”

And Breatheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

You

” I know , I’ll go to the dark side, I’ll dabble with NOT being their personal assistant in the morning and let them sort themselves out”

Day 1

No movement when alarm clocks go off. You think about your cunning plan (see above). Must resist ..helping them GET UP. Must resist. 20mins later

See “Get The F*ck Up” re above

Old habits … but you had no choice right, they weren’t getting up and you can’t be late!!! That’s the bottom line. Or can you??

Can you be late? Will THAT teach them a lesson?

Day 2

You decide to let them be late and suffer the consequences.

10am

School calls:

” Mrs Soandso, Jonny tells me you  can’t be ‘bothered’ anymore is that why he was late? Only we have a strict school policy and lateness is punished with detention”

You – GOOD fantastic perfect! This will teach them!!

“What’s that, detention is AFTER school not during school? But I’ve paid for Jonny to go to club, it’s £7 an hour paid in advance. He can’t NOT go!”

WTF  … He hates that club, this is perfect excuse for him not to go. Piano lessons wasted.

Later ..

Them

“It’s your fault I can’t go to piano, YOU can’t be bothered to wake me up in the morning.”

And so it goes on ..

And before you say it you can shove your reward charts up your backside because we’ve all tried every technique KNOWN to man, kids have them all written into their genes and can out smart you everytime.

They WANT you all the time ..

Happy ending

They want me …. awwwwwwwww 🙂

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